Sunday, March 28, 2010

my intuition is all wrong

I'm confused as to whether I should feel unlucky or blessed. Right now I feel very very unlucky. and strange. My body aches all over. I took a shower earlier today and found that I have more scrapes and bruises than I thought. I'm glad everyone is okay--the other driver, the lady with her daugther who was having a seizure, distracted. I shouldn't be so downhearted and childish, but I get scared when I remember it all, those split second moments when you don't know what's going on, you don't know if you're going to be okay or not and you're thinking strange, hurried thoughts. I never want to have to drive again, which I guess isn't an option considering I'm a commuter. I wish I could bicycle anywhere I needed to go. I wish I didn't need anything. My head hurts so bad.

All of these weird coinsidences happened yesterday, little thoughts I pushed away. I woke up thinking I didn't want to go to Mollie's tonight, but then a stronger thought, one that said I should go to Mollie's, go to Mollie's-be social, see your friends. You'll feel better when you do, don't lock yourself up inside. So I decided to go. I picked out my dress and shoes, decided to finish up all of my online homework. I had an assignment in Abnormal psychology where we had to describe Hans Seyle's general adaptation syndrome, and give an example of a time in our lives when we had to deal with a stressful event. So I replied to the question by giving an example of how I'd dealt with a car accident--how my heart raced in a flight or fight response, how I eventually calmed and had to deal with what to do next. I hesitated before I submitted my answers, not wanting to jinx myself. I wish I would have knocked on wood.
About 6 hours later a woman ran a red light and hit my car on the passages side, sending my car spinning until I hit the stoplight pole.

Right after it happened I remember that question and how I answered, how coincidental it was. How weird it was that just yesterday I was I thinking to myself how much I love my car. I thought about how I was glad Mattie had to work and wasn't able to come with me--I can't imagine how awful it would have felt to have her with me. I thought about how my dad said he was almost rearended by this lady on the way home, how maybe I got lucky and the scales tipped and I got unlucky.

I feel stupid thinking this way, this magical disordered thinking that makes you believe you're safe if you have little rituals, think the right thoughts. It makes me wonder how my sister is so successful in treating psyhological disorders when I feel like I'm getting more anxious and scared everyday. I feel very small and fragile, like I did in the hospital when the doctor looked at me, pressing his hands to my heart and stomach, checking my breathing. I felt my heart speed up like a rabbit's and tasted that awful air bag powder in the back of my throught. It was only after I got back to the bathroom that I realized I was in room 13. I can't help but feel superstitious sometimes.

Mostly I am lonely. I was waiting in the ER, waiting for my mom to come. I was thinking of calling someone at the party, but I was the only sober one there when I left, so calling them to see me would been ridiculous and worried me anyway. I just wish that I could have a least had someone to be with me, someone to text and say "Can you come see me?" Most of the time I'm okay with being by myself, but then, there are times when I really wish I just had someone.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Hooray, daffodil field in the middle of nowhere!

I miss my sister, already =[

Apparently my cat loves my sock monkey.


Wednesday, March 17, 2010

sleepwalk life

My sisters and my mom and I went shopping today, and despite my sisters bickering, it was really nice. We had the windows rolled down, and listened to oldies on the radio and my mom told us about her teenage years, which sound so fun and amazing compared to my lame memories of high school. I had these tiny islands of memories that keep me happy, but sometimes they are not enough. I never went to parties out in fields by the ruins of an old mill, or floated in inner tubes in a lake at night handing around a bottle of champagne to my friends. My mom said, "when you're older, you'll have good memories to look back on and talk about." I guess that's true, but I always feel like I'm not living near as much as I should be. During the fall I just wanted to be home, I didn't want to go out to bars, I just felt like sitting around camp fires, drinking coffee and talking. Going on walks. Pointing out constellations. Taking pictures. I don't ask for too much, really. And then there are days when I wish I was brave and could do the things I only think about but never get around to. I need to stop waiting for someone or something to come around and change my life.

This is all disconnected...which reminds me of why I stopped writing so much in the first place. I hope this doesn't come off as me sounding sad, because I'm not, honestly. =] Its just that everyonce in a while I decide that I need to get adventureous and stop being scared, and start living. And then I forget.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Saturday, March 13, 2010

last weekend

Jen, being amazed at all of the birds =]