Starting off brand new is always kind of intimidating to me so first, I'm going to do a little recap =]
A recap of 2009 through journal entries:DEC 2009
Maybe it'll always feel right for me & maybe I should work past that, but this season is taking its toll on me, and I just want to be home.
NOV 2009
I cannot see myself actually being in those situations, but it makes my head ache when I imagine these scenarios that could have been my life. I shouldn't complain though, I have so much, I have enough.
OCT 2009
And I think about my bank account draining, and how I wish I got more sleep and could find a place and way to run like I used to. It seems like I'm never completely satisfied with myself, but I still manage to find myself wishing to be more like the person I used to be. I hope this doesn't make me sound like I'm sad, because honestly, I'm not. It's more that I'm just contemplating & wanting to do things & take pictures all of the time. I don't know.
SEPT 2009
I guess it's just self consciousness, I'm sure, but feeling displaced makes me feel like I need to be looking for something, like there's an appointment I have but forgot about.
AUG 2009
I think this time of the year is the worst. I don't know if I've ever had a good August, even though it's my birthday month. It's always been hard, just changes and heat. It makes me want to hibernate or run back to familiar things or stop time if not hurry it up or rewind. I know it takes time, that I just need to take and deal with the changes and make myself comfortable so I can adjust. I don't know if I'll ever understand how resilience works, how people just move away, don't get homesick or worry about things that make me feel like my brain is a beehive, all buzzing thoughts and little room for peace.
JULY 2009
It's realizing that maybe I loved you for all the wrong reasons while you were realizing you didn't love me at all. Running as fast as you can when you know its not near fast enough to get anywhere anytime soon. Keeping the memories down to make room for more, while you wait.
JUNE 2009
Die Toten Hose. Yes, the dead pants. Best band name ever.
MAY 2009
And even though I might not have all the right words to say and things to do, I'm going to try. That's all I can do.
Sometimes, when I'm really nervous & anxious, I just recall how it feels to backfloat--your limbs surrounded by water, your body floating, your ears thrumming with water...it's the most peaceful thing I can think of.
APRIL 2009
because you know I never slept well, unless I was lulled by motion and wind
MARCH 2009 Or I'll be at work in a daze, scanning books to send off and I just have to start writing, because if I don't, these words will leave me & I'll wonder what I meant to write down but never did.
FEB 2009
JAN 2009
This is how it happens. It's not fast, not easy, or quick. It's a descion, maybe just one. It's a house of cards, and card by card, I had build a weak foundation--it's flimsy, it's all I have
Maybe it'll always feel right for me & maybe I should work past that, but this season is taking its toll on me, and I just want to be home.
NOV 2009
I cannot see myself actually being in those situations, but it makes my head ache when I imagine these scenarios that could have been my life. I shouldn't complain though, I have so much, I have enough.
OCT 2009
And I think about my bank account draining, and how I wish I got more sleep and could find a place and way to run like I used to. It seems like I'm never completely satisfied with myself, but I still manage to find myself wishing to be more like the person I used to be. I hope this doesn't make me sound like I'm sad, because honestly, I'm not. It's more that I'm just contemplating & wanting to do things & take pictures all of the time. I don't know.
SEPT 2009
I guess it's just self consciousness, I'm sure, but feeling displaced makes me feel like I need to be looking for something, like there's an appointment I have but forgot about.
AUG 2009
I think this time of the year is the worst. I don't know if I've ever had a good August, even though it's my birthday month. It's always been hard, just changes and heat. It makes me want to hibernate or run back to familiar things or stop time if not hurry it up or rewind. I know it takes time, that I just need to take and deal with the changes and make myself comfortable so I can adjust. I don't know if I'll ever understand how resilience works, how people just move away, don't get homesick or worry about things that make me feel like my brain is a beehive, all buzzing thoughts and little room for peace.
JULY 2009
It's realizing that maybe I loved you for all the wrong reasons while you were realizing you didn't love me at all. Running as fast as you can when you know its not near fast enough to get anywhere anytime soon. Keeping the memories down to make room for more, while you wait.
JUNE 2009
Die Toten Hose. Yes, the dead pants. Best band name ever.
MAY 2009
And even though I might not have all the right words to say and things to do, I'm going to try. That's all I can do.
Sometimes, when I'm really nervous & anxious, I just recall how it feels to backfloat--your limbs surrounded by water, your body floating, your ears thrumming with water...it's the most peaceful thing I can think of.
APRIL 2009
because you know I never slept well, unless I was lulled by motion and wind
MARCH 2009 Or I'll be at work in a daze, scanning books to send off and I just have to start writing, because if I don't, these words will leave me & I'll wonder what I meant to write down but never did.
FEB 2009
JAN 2009
This is how it happens. It's not fast, not easy, or quick. It's a descion, maybe just one. It's a house of cards, and card by card, I had build a weak foundation--it's flimsy, it's all I have
